Halfway point and I'm not even halfway.

This is how I feel about where I am with my Cantonese. LE SIGH ALL UP IN THE SKIES.

I could blame my lack of improvement on many factors:

1) It's too easy to resort to English here. 80% of the time I can communicate in ways other than Cantonese and get my point across...or just not say anything.
2) The locals will use English (even if broken) with me when they see me struggling with Cantonese.
3) Fears: I am scared. I'm intimidated. I'm embarrassed.
4) Myself. I just don't practice. I haven't really been dedicated.

When my friend Jack came over and was astounded by how I sucked so bad at Cantonese even though I have been here for over 2 months already, I finally came to terms with it. I still struggle with ordering in Cantonese. I lose ALL confidence if the server doesn't hear me the first time around.Then I start pointing at the pictures or words. There's times I don't even know what to say so I just take a photo of the menu...so how am I suppose to improve. -_- And you could say practice practice practice...but I don't wan to be eating the same meal each time lulz. But at the end of the day, I think it really comes down to #3 and #4. We are the root of our own problems. I can't go back home yet, not in this state.

I came across this article on a friend's Facebook status: The Education Issue: Studying Chinese to reach his parents

“The largest factor that I can see is the attitude here of Americans. ... They think of [immigrants] maintaining their language and culture as being un-American,” she says. That attitude seeps into the dynamics between children even in elementary school, where what children want most is to fit in, she says.

Volumes of truth. I purposely lost my parents' mother tongues as a child because I was scared about being marginalized. I didn't want to be associated with Chinese or identified as Chinese America but I wanted to just BE American. But being abroad and meeting so many international people from all different countries, introducing ourselves by proudly saying what country we come from...I realized the pride of being American (well at least mine now) is really that a majority of us are comprised of people that all started as immigrants whether it be a century ago or just this past decade...most of our families were seeking a better life, better opportunities and we've brought along our heritage. It comes all in one package and being American does not mean we leave our past and heritage behind but that we embrace it as what makes our present self American. When I try to describe American culture to people, I really can't do it justice in just one sentence. Baseball, football, sure, but it doesn't wholly encompass being American. I rarely watch baseball or football. We don't have a particular SUPER AMERICAN FOOD...unless our prized food trophy is a hot dog or hamburger...but I think American food also means tacos, pho, fried chicken, orange chicken, AYCE KBBQ, Sriracha, hummus, and everything fused and in between. And we have 50 states in America...each are unique by their own right and just because I live in California, that doesn't mean I surf or tan at the beach...and no, I don't watch 91210 (people keep asking me that lulz). Each state resident has its differences too and even between NorCal and SoCal. Haha, I don't know...everyone's just different in America, and I think that's what makes America! Not that any other country doesn't have unique individuals or traits to each region, but the difference is even more so in American and difference...DIVERSITY is what we should be proud of. I made a terrible mistake forsaking my cultural language and now I'm struggling to get to it back. I really hope the future of America doesn't continue like this. I think we're putting ourselves at a major disadvantage if we're only promoting English fluency as an American characteristic. American should mean multilingual. All the other countries seem to have English under their belt as a second language...and boy is that even more intimidating that ordering food in Cantonese.

Okay time to 练习 lin6 zaap6 my 发音 faat3 jam1. ^^V